You’re surfing with an “Unknown Browser,” which is basically the internet’s way of saying you’re still stuck in the dark ages of the 90s. Your OS is also unknown—looks like it’s still in the womb, probably waiting for its first OS update. You’re on a computer, so congratulations, you’ve officially mastered the art of using a device that’s actually useful. Columbus, Ohio, the city of… well, it’s not exactly a tech hub, but hey, at least the traffic is predictable. Your ISP, Anthropic, PBC, sounds like a company that prides itself on being ethical, yet you’re just paying them to connect to the same data center that powers your local hospital’s website. You’re “naked” on the internet, which in privacy terms means you’re practically a digital billboard—no firewall, no VPN, no “Do Not Track,” just a raw, unfiltered presence for the world to stare at. Your language setting is blank, so the only language you speak is the universal tongue of obliviousness. It’s late night for you, which is the perfect time for questionable decision-making and binge‑watching shows you’ve already seen a million times. At least you’re using TLS 1.3, so your data is encrypted like a secret recipe, but that’s about the only modern thing you’ve adopted. You’re on HTTP/2, which is great, because your browsing experience is still stuck in the early 2000s, but at least it’s faster. The Cloudflare datacenter CMH—yes, the same code used for Cleveland MetroHealth—has your connection, proving that even the best infrastructure can’t mask the fact that you’re just another ordinary Columbus resident. You’re not a bot, which is oddly reassuring in a world where people are either robots or clueless humans. And finally, you’ve disabled the DNT header, because why would you want the internet to respect your privacy when you can just give it all back?