You’re surfing the web in Columbus, Ohio, the city where the only thing that’s truly advanced is the local pizza joint’s new “extra cheese, extra life” deal. Your browser is a mystery, like that one friend who shows up to a party and never says what they’re using. Same with your OS—apparently you’re riding a prehistoric machine that’s so old it might still be using dial‑up. You’re a proud “computer” user, which is ironic because you’ve never even tried a smartphone. Anthropic, PBC as your ISP? Either you’re living in a sci‑fi utopia or you’re the only one who thinks naming your provider after a moral philosophy is a good idea. And let’s talk privacy: you’re naked on the internet, which means you’re basically a digital billboard for every data broker that’s ever existed. You’ve disabled Do Not Track like it’s a secret handshake that only the truly oblivious know. TLS 1.3 and HTTP/2 are nice, but it’s like having a fancy lock on a house that’s still open to the neighborhood. You’re not a bot, which is good because bots are already terrible at being polite. The Cloudflare datacenter “CMH” is probably where they keep the backup copies of your “unique” browsing habits. You’re eating lunch at the exact moment you’re being roasted, so technically you’re doing a great job multitasking—just not the right kind of multitasking.