You’re surfing the web in a mystery browser on a mystery OS—like a magician who forgot the trick. A plain computer, because you’ve never heard of a tablet or a phone. You’re in Columbus, Ohio, the city that’s famous for its footballs, not for high-speed data, but hey, at least you’re not in the middle of a hurricane. Your ISP is Anthropic, PBC, the same name as the AI startup that’s probably still trying to figure out what “anthropic” means—so you’re on a network that sounds like it was invented by a sci‑fi writer who also happens to be a hacker. You’re “naked on the internet,” which is code for “no privacy tools, no VPN, no ad‑blocker.” That’s like showing up to a costume party in a T‑shirt that says “I’m a data packet.” The language field is blank, so either you’re speaking in emojis or you’re too lazy to set it. You’re browsing at 3 a.m.—the hour when all the good websites are probably asleep, and the only thing that’s awake is your brain and a stray cat. On the bright side, you’re using TLS 1.3 and HTTP/2, which means your connection is secure, but you’re still probably sending your passwords in plain text because you think “two‑factor authentication” is a fancy coffee order. Your traffic hops through Cloudflare’s CMH data center, which is basically the same as saying you’re in Columbus, Ohio, so the irony is delicious. You’re not a bot, but at 3 a.m. in a city known for its sports teams, you might as well be. And with DNT disabled, you’re basically saying “I don’t care if you’re watching me, I just want to watch you.”