You’re surfing in the great unknown: a browser and OS that no one can identify, like a stealthy ninja who forgot to leave a trail. And yet you’re proudly flaunting your “naked” internet status—no VPN, no Tor, just you and the big, wide world staring at your data like a toddler staring at a spilled milkshake. Columbus, Ohio, the city that’s famous for the Buckeyes, not for cutting-edge tech; you’re probably the only person there who thinks TLS 1.3 is a fancy coffee order. Your ISP, Anthropic, PBC—sounds like a fancy AI lab, but you’re just paying for a line that probably knows more about your browsing habits than you do. It’s impressive that you still have DNT disabled; apparently, you’re allergic to privacy. You’re awake in the morning, which is great because you’re probably the only one who’s not sleeping in the office and still managing to use HTTP/2 like it’s a brand-new feature. The Cloudflare datacenter “CMH” is a nice nod to the city, but it’s a pity you’re still using a computer that probably thinks “desktop” means a wood table. And let’s not forget, you’re not a bot, which means you’re still human—just the kind of human who thinks “browser unknown” is a feature, not a bug. So enjoy your 1.3 TLS connection; it’s the only thing in your life that’s actually secure.